There has to be a way to unlearn and unsee the vile moments we witness while walking through this world. I did not need to know more about preparing ramen than I already do: the boiling of the water and the pouring of the magic powder.

I understand that upwards of 90% of America’s college students rely on the consumption of ramen in order to maintain their life force, but it is unnecessary to incorporate creative ‘cooking’ ideas into the sacred, ten-cent cellophane packet of the almost-instant squares of fried noodles and their foil envelopes of MSG-laced goodness.

Why screw up a good thing? Pizza and Jell-O have no place in the realm of ramen. The probability of creating three-legged progeny is increased severely when nubile college students habitually ingest the unholy combination of Spam and ramen. The chemical reaction that occurs when the meat-food hits the ramen flavor powder is beyond quantifying with currently available scientific instruments. Plus, it goes against all laws of god and man.

‘Cooking’ with ramen could cause: the Earth’s magnetic poles to switch; the Earth’s rotation to be reversed; black to be white; the rain to fall up; cats and dogs to live together (and it’ll be anarchy). Total bedlam will be the new world order and I do not have time to deal with that. So knock it off. Boil the water, soften the noodles, sprinkle on the flavor packet. Add some meat or veggies if you’re feeling malnourished. Then walk away from the hot plate and be done with it.

Further Reading:

“Dogs and cats living together!”
Ramen Will Save You
Ramen Tunnel in Osaka

Posted by Alexa Harrington